The truth is out.

Those constant business trips to Anchorage? A sham. I’m really an independent intelligence analyst, currently selling my wares to the Union of Collaborating Founders (UCF).

Every month I travel behind the iron curtain, the silk curtain, the gauze curtain and even the shower curtain to uncover the intelligence data secrets of the world, then I smuggle them home and enter them into the custom MuRPHY analytical software package running 24×7 on my crawlspace supercomputer.

Multiple Responsive Parametric Hemispheric Yield (MuRPHY^TM) data analysis and decryption… because if it can happen, it will happen, and an informed organization is a prepared organization. Thrifty, brave, loyal, reverent, kind. All war is deception. Patent pending.

Working for a telecommunications company in IT is a great cover. I have the ability to encode and transmit large amounts of information whenever needed across our fiber optic and satellite network, and I can send encrypted messages to selected recipients via our invoices. (You didn’t think they were that hard to decipher for business reasons, did you?)

I first began working in intelligence gathering and analysis in college, when I served as a typist for the local Air Force base personnel office, sorting, filing and occasionally rejecting performance evaluations. I saw certain repeated patterns in some officers’ written evals, terms like megalomania and dissociative, and after asking about them was initiated into the organization.

(Don’t ask me about the initiation; it was painful, humiliating, and required every bit of my knowledge of Norse history, cephalopod anatomy and astrophysics to survive.)

Initially, I worked for the US Government, for the Department of Energy in gathering data related to nuclear science, international particle physics research and international cooperation and high-risk technology nonproliferation. The bureaucracy drove me crazy, literally. After assaulting my manager over excessive reporting requirements – seriously, did I have to document every airport restroom I visited? – I was hospitalized, then relieved of my position for medical reasons.

After an initial period of grief, then anger, I quickly realized that my skills were worth a great deal on the open market. While building a convincing cover in the telecom industry, I put my analysis skills to work for governmental, pan-governmental and mercenary agencies around the world. I tried to avoid working for the Axis of Evil, but that’s really a subjective perspective, isn’t it?

My career has taken me all over the Western Hemisphere, and I’ve gotten to meet fabulous colleagues in the intelligence community – like: Jim “Buttercup” Wright, who gave me a tour of his infamous interrogation facility; Anne “Mata Hari” Cutrell, who hosted me in her super-secret intelligence safe house; Second-in-Command Janiece “Doris” Murphy, who gave me encrypted wireless data to carry back to Alaska with me; and Tania “Xena” Clucas, whom I’ve conspired with in more than one state.

So, now that the UCF has been outed, what’s next? Can they continue to battle evil, promote scientific thought and debunk idiocy throughout the world, or will they be reduced to a mere social group, not unlike a book club or playgroup?

Only time will tell. My loyalty will continue as long as my paychecks do.

The history of the UCF’s public battles against evil and insanity are here (please note – this is the only initiative they’ve been outed on – there are many, many others that will forever remain a secret):

• UCF Leader Reflects on his Tenure
• UCF Member Tells of his Recruitment
• UCF Woman is not your Average Housewife, Mom, Student
• UCF Member tells of Becoming International Woman of Intrigue, Mystery
• UCF Member Shares African Recruitment Story
• Overseas UCF Operative Talks about his Mission
• UCF Member Salutes the Organization with Monty Python
• LHC Foe Uncovers the Truth about the UCF
• UCF Member Updates us on LHC Foes
• UCF may have Influenced Top 7 (Stupid) List
• UCF Member Raises Questions of Sanity; Incites Legal Threats
  

• Response to the UCF
• UCF Member Debunks a Crank 101
• Return of Radiation Man
• UCF Member Talks about Mixed Nuts
• UCF Outblogs the Mainstream Media
• UCF member nominates ‘Tard of the Week

Thank you, Michelle K, for the most excellent early birthday gift!

I started it last night and the book is lots of fun, I can see why it’s such a successful series.

::doing the loot dance::

This afternoon I had the opportunity to go catch up with Jim (the asshole) and Shawn (Beastly) at Stonekettle Station. I had a blast – I could have listened to the two of them tell stories all evening.

After my visit, I wanted dispel the rumor that Jim and Shawn are partners. You know, partners. Because even though they have lived together in the past, get up and spend every day, all day, together, work together constantly on projects, sell their wares together at the artsy-fartsy Wasilla Farmer’s Market, and even dress alike every day, I wanted to put this disclaimer out there on the Internet: they are not partners And the picture above should help prove that.

Does that help at all, guys?

Also, you should buy their hand-turned bowls as Christmas gifts, because they both do really spectacular work.

I’m going to take a page from Nathan and suggest an Internet group activity.

Have you read Eric’s excellent blog post today about the nutbar woman who is a “Puppy-Cloning International Sex Fugitive With Three-Legged Horse Wanted In Tennessee”? It’s a great post. Just don’t read it while you’re drinking any sort of beverage – you don’t want to snort liquid out your nose.

Both Janiece and I commented that we think that our lives just don’t rate that kind of drama. Really, though, we’re all interesting people, and we’re all creative types.

Here’s my proposal. I challenge each UCF type – or innocent bystander – to visit a couple of others – or everyone! – and write them interesting and dramatic headlines about their lives. They don’t have to be correct, based in fact, or even related to the post at hand. Be imaginative. Exaggerate. Suck up. Bait the search engines.

After all, don’t we all live extraordinary lives? So let’s immortalize that in print, at least with prose as deathless as electronic media can be.

Update: I’m having better luck writing short bio paragraphs than headlines. I’m just too wordy. So that’s what you’re getting from me. Whatever works!

First, I came home from work today to find LOOT! Although I didn’t find this out until nearly 10pm, because the finks who live at my home and raid my fridge didn’t tell me I’d gotten a package until then.

So I opened it and it was CHOCOLATE LOOT! Thank you very, very much, Michelle. It definitely helped with the stressful and decidedly down time I’ve been having lately.

Michelle sent me candy from BonBon Bar homemade chocolates — all organic, all handmade, no high-fructose corn syrup. Tonight I’m nibbling on a Single Malt Scotch Ganache & Chewy Caramel topped with Maldon Sea Salt bar… mmmm. I also have vanilla and passion fruit marshmallows (I gave the fink who retrieved the package a marshmallow), a caramel nut bar, a malt bar, and a dark chocolate orange bar.

It is wonderful stuff, thank you so much. I’m hiding the rest. I might even take it with me to Anchorage next week for hotel room snacking.

I really appreciate the thoughtfulness, Michelle, it definitely helps lift my spirits.

Second, the flowers in the picture are from my sweet and eternally patient husband, who brings me flowers even when I’m the one who’s being crabby. They improved my day, too.

And third, I gave the second in a series of two financial analysis presentations today at work. In spite of having to deliver mixed news, the presentation went very well and was positively received. The analysis involved required a significant amount of additional work on personal time, and the presentations themselves were pretty stressful, so I’m very thankful to be done with them. It’s a big load off my shoulders.

And fourth, well, I have great friends. Online friends, face-to-face friends, work friends, family. I tend to take that for granted until I see them rally around to support me and others when things are tough. You all are great, and I’m very thankful.

Things are looking up. And there’s chocolate. Yeah, Michelle!