The truth is out.
Those constant business trips to Anchorage? A sham. I’m really an independent intelligence analyst, currently selling my wares to the Union of Collaborating Founders (UCF).
Every month I travel behind the iron curtain, the silk curtain, the gauze curtain and even the shower curtain to uncover the intelligence data secrets of the world, then I smuggle them home and enter them into the custom MuRPHY analytical software package running 24×7 on my crawlspace supercomputer.
Multiple Responsive Parametric Hemispheric Yield (MuRPHYTM) data analysis and decryption… because if it can happen, it will happen, and an informed organization is a prepared organization. Thrifty, brave, loyal, reverent, kind. All war is deception. Patent pending.
Working for a telecommunications company in IT is a great cover. I have the ability to encode and transmit large amounts of information whenever needed across our fiber optic and satellite network, and I can send encrypted messages to selected recipients via our invoices. (You didn’t think they were that hard to decipher for business reasons, did you?)
I first began working in intelligence gathering and analysis in college, when I served as a typist for the local Air Force base personnel office, sorting, filing and occasionally rejecting performance evaluations. I saw certain repeated patterns in some officers’ written evals, terms like megalomania and dissociative, and after asking about them was initiated into the organization.
(Don’t ask me about the initiation; it was painful, humiliating, and required every bit of my knowledge of Norse history, cephalopod anatomy and astrophysics to survive.)
Initially, I worked for the US Government, for the Department of Energy in gathering data related to nuclear science, international particle physics research and international cooperation and high-risk technology nonproliferation. The bureaucracy drove me crazy, literally. After assaulting my manager over excessive reporting requirements – seriously, did I have to document every airport restroom I visited? – I was hospitalized, then relieved of my position for medical reasons.
After an initial period of grief, then anger, I quickly realized that my skills were worth a great deal on the open market. While building a convincing cover in the telecom industry, I put my analysis skills to work for governmental, pan-governmental and mercenary agencies around the world. I tried to avoid working for the Axis of Evil, but that’s really a subjective perspective, isn’t it?
My career has taken me all over the Western Hemisphere, and I’ve gotten to meet fabulous colleagues in the intelligence community – like: Jim “Buttercup” Wright, who gave me a tour of his infamous interrogation facility; Anne “Mata Hari” Cutrell, who hosted me in her super-secret intelligence safe house; Second-in-Command Janiece “Doris” Murphy, who gave me encrypted wireless data to carry back to Alaska with me; and Tania “Xena” Clucas, whom I’ve conspired with in more than one state.
So, now that the UCF has been outed, what’s next? Can they continue to battle evil, promote scientific thought and debunk idiocy throughout the world, or will they be reduced to a mere social group, not unlike a book club or playgroup?
Only time will tell. My loyalty will continue as long as my paychecks do.
The history of the UCF’s public battles against evil and insanity are here (please note – this is the only initiative they’ve been outed on – there are many, many others that will forever remain a secret):
