I got married a couple of months after college and settled down. I was a good wife, supportive and enabling, tolerating it all and cleaning up messes as soon as they were made. I earned a good living and used it to support the family.

I had my first baby three years after the wedding, and my second three years after that, both on schedule. I was a devoted mom, putting my kids first and working long hours to both support them and spend quality time with them.

I finally divorced my ex-husband after nine years of his compulsive financial irresponsibility, not for myself, but when I began to feel my children’s safety and security were threatened by it. It cost me my faith.

A couple of years later I married Bryan, who I adored and tried to be an exemplary wife to. He was conservative, responsible, kind and loving and I tried to take care of him and the boys in every way. I was a good wife and mom, I had a good job, and constantly strove to be conservative and respectable and not rock the boat.

Then a year ago I lost Bryan, and with it a large part of my identity – wife. Loved one. Partner in a stable, responsible home. Instead, I had to try to figure out who I was, when I wasn’t busy taking care of everyone and trying to meet everyone else’s standards as wife, mom, employee, daughter.

Who am I? I am still a caretaking, nurturing type – that hasn’t changed. There’s nothing I like better than truly helping someone, preferably behind the scenes, with a hug, some long term support, an act of love, or anonymous generosity.

I am not, however, quite the good girl I’ve tried to pass myself off as for so many years. I do like to rock the boat. I firmly believe that “What the hell?” is often the right decision, and that I would, indeed, like to give ‘em something to talk about. I’m creative and artistic. Passionate about what I believe in. Very geeky. A little bit edgy and nihilistic. And more than a little bit hedonistic.

In the process of growing up a little this past year, I got healthier and set some interesting fitness goals. I changed the way I dress, a little curvier and punkier, becoming a shoe & jewelry addict in the process. I pierced my ears a few times and now wear colorful jewelry. I got my first tattoo, an ankle bracelet memorial.

The tattoo, in particular, is an interesting rejection of the good girl ethos. When I grew up, only sailors and bikers had tattoos. They were just not commonly worn, especially by women. Now, of course, for younger generations, body modification is a frequent rite of passage. As an artist, as a bit of a rebel, as a woman seeking beauty and meaning in my life, the act of permanently inking my skin with something significant is an important freedom for me.

So, here’s to shedding the old, ill-fitting good girl skin and finding one that fits better! I wish all of you a similar epiphany on your journey.

“Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.”
         ~Henry Van Dyke

One of the strangest facets of loss is how it changes time.

You’d think time is a fairly straightforward measure. There are 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, 365 days in a year. Those numbers can’t adequately measure the experience of the human heart flowing through time.

I have lived 45 years. Raised children for 21 years. Loved Bryan for 12 years. And have been on my own, without him, for one year. That 12 years with Bryan, one-fourth of my life, still defines me – my values, my home, my heart, my plans.

How can it be that the one year since losing him can feel like it was equally as long?

I remember, in the initial days, even month, following the initial shock of his passing, time behaved especially strangely. I had the strangest sensation of being frozen, like a fly in amber, like a pebble in a stream, as life rushed on around me.

The night hours stretched out like an eternity — every night was at least a week long. In the daylight hours when I’d try to rejoin life, I couldn’t keep up. I’d notice something, consider reaching for it in the current, and it’d be swept far past me by the time I moved.

There were times when I slowed my life down to match time’s flow. Sailing, flying under the sun at whatever speed the wind chose to take us, allowed time to catch up and life shifted into focus. Hiking on a beach or in the woods, time became my friend; the birds ignored the passing of the hours and the only rhythm was that of the sunrise and sunset.

But always, I had to return to real life, the fierce onrush of work, deadlines, errands, housework, bills, and I then I couldn’t stay synchronized, couldn’t keep up with the flow anymore.

Maybe this year my own personal time flow will speed up a little and match the world I must live in. Or, more sanely, maybe I can find a way to slow my world down to mesh with my life.

Goodbye my love, maybe for forever
Goodbye my love, the tide waits for me
Who knows when we shall meet again, if ever
But time keeps flowing like a river (on and on)
To the sea, to the sea
Till it’s gone forever
         ~Alan Parsons Project, “Time”

Responsible
1 a: liable to be called to account as the primary cause, motive, or agent b: being the cause or explanation
2 a : able to answer for one’s conduct and obligations : trustworthy b : able to choose for oneself between right and wrong

In my profession, I am the responsible party, the bottom line. If a project succeeds, I give the credit to my team, but if there are issues, I’m the “single throat to choke”. And personally, as single parent to two, and foster parent to a third, I’m also the responsible one, even if the boys pretty much adults.

I’m going to try to talk about the concept of responsibility without sharing the details behind the issue; the detailed story is someone else’s and I don’t have permission to share, and when I’m frustrated with a person or people I prefer not to name names.

I’m struggling mightily with someone else’s strange, complete disconnect with responsibility. This deficit is not new to me, I’ve known about it for years. Still, it’s bizarre and puzzling to that someone can simply decide that responsibility that is legally, morally and ethically theirs can simply be ducked, with a shrug and maybe even a little bit of blame game, just because they don’t want it.

I talked about this with a good friend last night, one who is always direct and honest with me. (All my good friends are that way – I’m very blessed!) This friend said, “You are all adults now. Being an adult has responsibilities. That is the hardest thing to learn. And you are trying to solve all of their problems, and you cannot.”

Ouch. This bears reflection, because it is so very true. If I can’t be helpful and supportive in a family relationship or a friendship, I often wonder what value I bring to the table. I do tend to be a fix-it kind of gal, although I’m ok with just listening too. Still, what if the best and most constructive thing I can do for someone I love is to require them to stand on their own two feet and learn to solve their own problems?

This brings to mind another definition:

Enabler
1 a: one that enables another to achieve an end; b: one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior

Am I acting as an enabler, because I do too much, want too much to be helpful? It’s quite possible.

The questions here, the murky areas, are related to mental illness, an adult de-facto dependent with a significant degree of mental health impairment and mood disorder.

• What additional support is required?

• What logical consequences are appropriate or even comprehensible?
• What level of expectations are appropriate?
• How can I, as caregiver, live my own life?

I don’t know of any hard and fast guidelines – suggestions range from a completely supported lifelong live-in model to a tough love, sink-or-swim model.

Actually somewhat applicable here, the classic and actually very infrequently used insanity defense is based upon an evaluation that the accused was incapable of distinguishing between right and wrong and that he/she was unable to control his or her behavior at the time of the offense.

None of this answers the question of how I deal with people in my life who are unable to comprehend or accept responsibility at all. Unfortunately it can’t be externally applied, via flog, spur or carrot-on-a-stick. I guess where I’m arriving at with this rambling essay is that compensating for them by taking the responsibility on myself helps no one, least of all myself.

I don’t mind the rain so much, I still get out and walk and I prefer cool weather. I just have a tough time with the gloom. It was an issue in Alaska; it’s an issue here.

I’m one of those people that’s energized by sunshine, although not too much of it! Hot weather can be a bit much. But sunny and 60 is absolute heaven for me. It revs my metabolism, amps up my mood, puts a spring in my step and reduces my need for sleep.

There’s a name for the opposite side of that spectrum, the winter gloom and doldrums. It’s seasonal affective disorder, or SAD. Its symptoms are similar to those of clinical depression:

• Depression
• Hopelessness
• Anxiety
• Loss of energy
• Social withdrawal
• Oversleeping
• Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
• Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates
• Weight gain
• Difficulty concentrating and processing information

As I struggle with clinical depression too, I can actually tell a difference. SAD, for me, primarily consists of sluggishness, sleepiness, withdrawal, and carbohydrate craving. If I could hibernate in a bakery for the winter and not emerge until spring, I would.

The minor environmental changes I can make to help with this include:

• Make my environment sunnier and brighter. Open blinds and sit closer to bright windows while at home or in the office. Use full spectrum lights and turn them on during gloomy days.

• Get outside. Take walks, sit on a bench and soak up the sun. Even on cold or cloudy days, outdoor light can help.
• Exercise regularly. Physical exercise helps relieve my stress and anxiety, and the days I don’t want to go are the days I most need it. (like today!) The bright lights of the gym or pool can help, too.
• Spend time around people. I make plans to spend time around others, even if I am feeling withdrawn and antisocial. I go into the Seattle office, get together with family, go to the pool or the gym on a scheduled basis.

One of the most common forms of SAD therapy prescribed is a light box – phototherapy. The light should be 10,000 lux, and at that intensity, the amount of time required in front of the light is 30 minutes at 12-18″ distance. You don’t have to look directly into the light, placing it to the side is fine, but your eyes need to be open.

I got my SAD light out this week and am trying to use it first thing every morning. Spending a half hour before going to the pool at 6am will be a bit of a challenge.

So, if you drive by my house first thing in the morning and see an intense blue-white light in my front window, it’s not an alien interrogation, just therapy for the seasonal blues. Hopefully with that, regular exercise and paying a little more attention to hyperscheduling, I’ll be my usual cheerful self again pretty quickly.
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Previous posts on depression:
Depression Take II – Jun 2009
Living with Depression – Jan 2008

We were going to hike, kayak, do archery, play outside, but Mother Nature had other plans – torrential rain, thunder, lightning, hail, and then some more rain.

Oh well – I did do yoga – and Steph got asked at the last minute to teach the yoga classes as the scheduled instructor couldn’t make it – and Sunday cleared up enough to go shoot a few arrows and walk around the lovely, if soggy, camp.

The cabins were warm and the bunks sturdy, although I’m not agile enough to truly be very thrilled about a top bunk anymore.

The food was stellar, and the lodge’s fireside room with magnificent Puget sound views a great place to write.

I am still behind on word count, doggone it, but I’m chipping away at it.

This raises some questions for my exercise addiction. Should I exercise when I’m sick? And how does exercise play into immune response? I did some research and found great answers.

Exercising when Ill. It’s important to be attentive to your body’s needs when evaluating whether or not to continue an exercise routine when feeling ill. Many experts recommend that if your symptoms are above the neck and you have no fever, light to moderate exercise is probably safe.

If you are already ill, you should be careful about exercising too intensely. Your immune system is already taxed by fighting your infection. Additional stress could undermine your recovery; it will only make things worse and likely extend your illness.

However, if there are symptoms or signs of the flu or more serious illness, such as fever, extreme tiredness, muscle aches, swollen lymph glands, or bronchial symptoms, then many sources indicate more time should be allowed before you resume intensive training. In such cases, online resources are no substitute for consulting your doctor.

In my case, I did have a low-grade fever, a cough, and enough exhaustion that I didn’t try to exercise through it. Now that I’m back to nearly 100%, I’m going to ease back in, to make sure I don’t overtire myself. I wanted to start back today but work demands were prohibitive; that’s probably a good thing as I’m still coughing a little. Tomorrow, though, I’ll be at the pool mid-morning,

Regular Moderate Exercise Boosts Immunity. Moderate, consistent exercise has been proven to build a strong immune system. It’s been linked to a positive immune system response and a temporary boost in the production of macrophages, the cells that attack bacteria. In addition, when moderate exercise is repeated on a near-daily basis, the cumulative effect can build a long-term immune response.

Too Much Exercise May Decrease Immunity Conversely, there is also evidence that too much intense exercise can reduce immunity. This research is showing that more than 90 minutes of high-intensity endurance exercise can make athletes susceptible to illness for up to 72 hours after the exercise session.

Intense exercise seems to cause a temporary decrease in immune system function.
Cortisol and adrenaline, known as the stress hormones, are produced during intense exercise, raise blood pressure and cholesterol levels and suppress the immune system.

Ultra-distance training should include enough rest and recovery days to allow the body and immune system to recover. Feeling run-down or displaying other symptoms of overtraining–heart rate changes, irritability, general heaviness or fatigue–may indicate the need to reduce duration or frequency of workouts.

I am really bad about taking my regularly scheduled rest day because I find the mental health benefits of the workout outweigh the rest and recuperation value of a own day. I may have undermined my own immune system. I’ll have to watch that in the future.

Earlier this week, I was talking with a good friend who said, “I don’t time my walks and don’t care how far I go, so it doesn’t matter to me. I left all of that competitive time (running, walking, etc) stuff behind in the military.” Instead he walks by the river, watches the morning sun and the ducks on the water, the beavers build their lodge, and basically enjoys being outside.

Another friend sent a link on the “Fun Theory”, a fascinating YouTube video documenting a social experiment. A group of engineers transformed subway stairs from plain into a black and white, musically functional piano keyboard – and 2/3 more people took the stairs just to play on them.

Entrepreneur and fitness guru Jonathan Fields has a fabulous post on how to make exercise more fun than sex. Perhaps he’s a tad optimistic, still, he has a point. We used to run around outside playing until we were exhausted as kids, and never once thought of it as drudgery or exercise.

So what do I do?

I swim. A lot. I’m kind of obsessed with swimming. And truly, I love it! I enjoy the coolness of the water, the weightlessness, the strength, grace, rhythm and endurance I feel in the water. In a pool, I like the smell of chlorine, the stillness, the snap of a perfect flip turn. In open water, I like the light refracting through the water, the waves, the sense of connection to the natural world.

Still, I let myself get so hyperfocused on the trivial details, the part that matters so much less. I require myself to swim two miles per workout. I want to get faster, I’d like to get my mile back under 30 minutes. I need to kick more. Intervals would make me faster; harder workouts would improve my time.

Holy crap, I’m 45 years old and I’m not and never will be Dara Torres! As my friend said, it’s not about competition. If I do what I love, and focus on the things I enjoy most, the rest will follow. And even if they don’t, I’ll stick with it, because doing what brings me joy motivates me.

I also walk and do yoga, but I don’t get so wrapped up in compulsiveness there. I don’t know if it’s because I am not so attached to those activities, because they aren’t naturally competitive sports, or because they don’t lend themselves as easily to the process of continuous evaluation and improvement.

The line between exercising for enjoyment, fitness, physical and mental health, and obsessively, compulsively exercising to a rigid perfectionist standard, is not fine and is not blurry. I wander across it far too often. I need to – I will – focus on joy and loving what I do as a primary goal, a lifetime goal.

The two key neurotransmitters to mood management are beta-endorphins and serotonin. Beta-endorphins are part of the mood regulating chemicals that reduce pain and can create a euphoric state. In fact, many believe that the increase in beta-endorphins when exercising is the cause of “runner’s high”. The beta-endorphin high seems to be temporary, though, and doesn’t seem to have a long-term effect on mood.

For the brain to maintain a stabilized mood, it must also have balanced levels of serotonin. In cases of depression, manic depression and anxiety, the cause most often stems from either a lack of serotonin in the brain or inefficiency among the serotonin receptors. Scientists are finding that exercise can raise serotonin levels enough so as to help those suffering from depression and anxiety, an alternative which is inexpensive as well as beneficial on many levels, physical and psychological.

Investigators at Arizona State University found that patients who participated in at least 21 minutes daily of aerobic exercise, like running or walking, experienced a reduction in anxiety. A more recent study from Canadian researchers at the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg noted that regular exercise can help people who suffer from depression, OCD, anxiety disorder, phobias, substance abuse and other psychiatric disorders.

Anecdotally, I can support both of these findings. I have a tremendous beta-endorphin high after a good workout session; I become almost manic for a couple of hours. It’s very productive time for me, and somewhat entertaining for those around me. And, I also find that my mood, OCD and general stress levels are far more effectively managed when I’m exercising regularly. In fact, when I’m feeling particularly out of sorts, it helps if I get outside and walk at least a couple of miles – it improves my mood and my coping skills and helps me sleep far more soundly at night.

There are also mental health benefits to setting a plan and following through with it, to becoming stronger and more enduring, to building grace and balance. These things build your self esteem and carry over into all areas of your life.

For mental health management purposes, I have to add a plug for an entirely different type of exercise. The studies mentioned above deal primarily with cardio, or endurance, focused exercise. Strength and flexibility are also important components to physical and mental fitness.

Some folks choose to weight train, do calisthenics or other strength training; I choose yoga for its combination of strength and flexibility work. Plus – I really enjoy it! There is significant mental and emotional benefit to an activity that requires me to focus fully in the present, to control my breathing, to actively manage muscle tension, extension and relaxation.

Swimming, walking and yoga is a combination that works for me – but really, any exercise will do. Just do something regularly, increase the blood flow to your heart, body and your brain, and watch your mood improve!
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This post is in support of National Mental Illness Awareness Week.

How often do we make casual references to mental illness during conversation?

“She is totally nuts.”

“If there’s anyone who’d go postal in my workplace, it’s him.”

“Watch your step, she’s pretty unhinged.”

“He is off his rocker; the lights are on but nobody’s home.”

How many people do we know that struggle with mental illness – either high functioning types, or those with more severe conditions?

I did an informal poll through my facebook friends list; of 155 friends, 30 that I know of have battled or currently fight mental illness. That’s nearly 20%.

And, as many of you know, I have struggled with major recurring depression all my life. It’s well-controlled with medication and occasional counseling support, but my brain chemistry is just not standard issue.

At some level, I challenge the western concept of sane. Of functional vs. dysfunctional.

Standards for acceptable behavior, responses to stimuli and emotional programming are culturally defined. What’s acceptable in America can be uncomfortable in Asia and completely unacceptable in the Middle East. We have a DSM-IV handbook of sanity that, in previous editions, included homosexuality as a mental illness. (Maybe future editions will include religious extremism as a mental illness?)

What we might call psychotic and hallucinatory, another culture might revere as a visionary and a holy person. We might define acute unresponsive withdrawal as a form of catatonia; another culture might interpret that as a mystical, enlightened trance state.

I find fiction, and science fiction and fantasy, that deal with mental illness and perceptions of reality to be completely fascinating. Some of my favorite examples include This Alien Shore by CS Friedman, Slant by Greg Bear and The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K Leguin.

All fiction aside, the facts about mental illness in America are pretty staggering.

• About 60 million Americans experience mental health problems in any given year.

• One in 17 lives with the most serious conditions.
• Less than one-third get treatment.
• One-half of all lifetime cases begin by age 14, but 10 or more years may pass between onset of symptoms and getting help.
• Few states have public health insurance plans that adequately meet the needs of people with serious mental illnesses.
• Private insurance plans often lack sufficient coverage for mental health and substance use disorders.

Next time you start to make a casual comment about someone’s sanity, pass a homeless person talking to herself in the street or get wound up about the health care coverage issue in America, please remember these facts and choose compassion.

So what do I have on the horizon, keeping me going?

Ironman Course Swim (2.4 mi, Kailua-Kona, March 2010) I’m going to Kona for a girls’ va-ca, and plan to dive into plenty of swimming and water sports while there. One of the world’s premier open water swimmers lives and operates a training business on the big island, and she will swim the Ironman course with clients and provide coaching on technique, open water and racing.

Fat Salmon Swim (3.2 mi, Lake Washington, July 2010) This is the northwest’s premier open water distance swimming event. It’s the longest one on the schedule, sanctioned by USMS (Masters’ swimming), and has minimum entry time guidelines. Yes, I meet them, but back of the pack isn’t exactly my goal here.

SCCA Swim Across America (2 mi, Lake Washington, September 2010) This event, held for the first time this year, was popular with swimmers of all ability levels, from recreational to Olympian. The water gets a little cold in mid-September but that’s ok – the English Channel is even colder.

Swim Around the Rock (3.25 mi, San Francisco Bay, TBD) This elite level open water swim around Alcatraz and back bills itself as a challenge for fast swimmers. It requires a very strategic race plan because of the changing tides and fast currents around the Rock. This is a goal for the future, when I have more speed and experience with ocean swimming.

Crossing for Kids (3.5 mi, Puget Sound, not scheduled) In 2005, the first and only Crossing for Kids was held, from Bainbridge Island to Alki Point, 3.5 miles across Puget Sound in 51 degree water. I would love to swim this crossing! In fact, if it doesn’t ever get rescheduled, I may recruit a couple of swimming friends and a boat escort and swim it privately, just for the thrill of achievement.

I’d also like to do a sprint triathlon next year, the entire race, not just relay style like I did this year. (I’ll walk the run). The women’s Gold Nugget Triathlon in Alaska is an option, although the swim is depressingly short, not to my advantage. There are dozens of sprint triathlons in the Puget Sound area, so I have no idea which one I’ll select. It won’t be the insanely overcrowded Danskin women’s sprint tri, with 5,000+ participants it’s such a melee it can be dangerous.