I’m very thankful to have the teen boy squad in my life – they add energy & laughter & creativity.

The teen boy squad started out as Ben and Zach, back when Ben was still a teen. It has expanded to include their awesome entourage of friends (my adopted extra sons) to include, variously, Nat, Mitchell, Toryn, Travis. Plus, Ashley likes them, keeps them humble & laughs with them. The adoption is mutual – I get hugs and courtesy and help from them as well.

These excellent, brilliant, geeky young men were a fixture around my Poulsbo house. LAN parties, D&D all night, Halo marathons… many Saturday mornings, I’ve come downstairs and found various large teen bodies draped and sleeping on available surfaces. (I feed them and listen to them, which probably keeps them coming back.) Most of them have taken a non-drinking vow. Most of them treat their girlfriends very well. Most have gone on to college or full time jobs but they stay in close touch. They’re *great* kids.

Tonight many of them came to see TRON 3D with us, and it was a really excellent reunion for Zach and for me. I’m grateful to have them in my life; I learn from them and enjoy their company.
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Note: Where did we get the name? Web comic Homestar Runner has a series called “Teen Girl Squad”, super funny, and the name just morphed from that to “Teen Boy Squad”. The above image is from Homestar Runner’s partner ‘toon, “4 Gregs”.

The Greek had several words for love, while our limited English just has the one, and theirs are more descriptive:

• eros is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing.

• storge is natural affection, such as the love of a parent toward a child.
• philia is a dispassionate virtuous love of friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity.
• agape is a general affection or deeper sense of unconditional “true love” rather than the attraction suggested by “eros”

I love my amazing family and friends dearly, and hope that my heart never becomes scarred and afraid to care, afraid to hope, afraid to love unconditionally.

I’m grateful for love.

Today I give thanks for spectacular music shared with an amazing friend.

She and I have supported each other through hard times, good times, joy and heartbreak, for over a decade and I love her and her family dearly – I consider them my family.

Today we went to our first classical music concert – Handel’s Messiah, performed by the Seattle Symphony and Chorale at the acoustically excellent Benaroya Hall. It was an experience of a lifetime, like being immersed in the music of the spheres.

The Seattle Symphony and Chorale were excellent, but the guest artists were amazing, especially the soprano, Dominique LaBelle, whose fabulous voice could have filled the concert hall without amplification.

Sharing it with one of my dearest friends was a bonus; we will always remember this adventure.

Above is a cut from Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus”; the performance today awed and humbled us.

A year ago my good friend Susannah gave birth to her first baby, Henry, and I have the privilege of attending his first birthday party this afternoon.

Henry is an adorable, happy, busy baby, and Susannah and Chris are AMAZING parents. (Not to mention one of the happiest couples I know, and living, positive examples of their Christian faith.) Henry is the luckiest boy…

I’m grateful today for having them in my life. Susannah and Chris’ friendship means a lot, and having the privilege of playing with a baby is an antidote to whatever ails you, it’s joy and enthusiasm and certitude that the human race will continue. I hope to learn to see the world through his eyes, with the happiness and wonder of a new inhabitant of this world.

So happy birthday, Henry! I’m so glad to know you and watch you grow.
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Note: the photo is courtesy of Susannah, who shared it on FB.

Last night was our Christmas pre-function, and so we went all out:

• gorgonzola pear tarts

• salami and Chinese bbq pork
• smoked salmon, brie & french bread
• spinach artichoke jalapeno dip w/ pita chips
• cambozola and mango/ginger white stilton cheese w/ crackers
• apple pie
• molten chocolate cake
• hot buttered rum, baileys and mocha liqueur

We watched the surprisingly interesting DVD “The Last Station” – a biopic of Tolstoy’s last days – but mostly hung out, hugged and chatted.

While the menu and entertainment are fun and often over the top, most importantly, the company was amazing. Cheri and Michele are awesome friends, and I’m grateful for their support, their inspiration and the little window of good cheer in my life.

Hugs, love and thanks to them both!

A couple of months ago, I talked about my relationship status, and came to the conclusion it could best be defined as “friend”. Or, if you prefer, “independent”.

I’m watching a few of my real life and online friends go through the process of dating again, and frankly it looks unpleasant from the outside. Dating sites, uncomfortable dates, miscommunication, friends with benefits, bad sex, good sex but no call, and just generally playing the game.

New (but sure to be longtime) friend and kindred spirit Frances writes about this in her post hilariously titled Men Want Sex. And My Refusal to Become a Moose. She says, ” A few of us hold out, thinking that reason and humor and genuine affection is really what the “good” ones want.” Damn straight, I do! Oh, wait, she was talking about men. Seriously, that’s *me*, too. I don’t play hard to get, I have no clue about the game and I opt out!

Not to mention that as I see it, of the couple of hundred adults I know, it breaks down like this:

• 70% or so are married or in long term relationships

• 10% are gay or lesbian, and see above
• 10% are hot, brilliant, funny, interesting women who are either looking or not looking, variously
• 9% are attractive, brilliant, funny, interesting men who are completely uninterested and even actively avoidant of women, relationships and commitment (although some aren’t averse to sex if they can get it)
• 1% is open to a relationship but the night nurse at the psych ward won’t let him use the phone to call Courtney Love anymore

Seriously – many women remain eternally hopeful, but I only know one or two men who have not pretty much given up and become hermits. These are not good odds.

As I’ve said, I find the concept of dating bizarre from my mid-life perspective. I don’t have the patience for it, the capacity to play the games, or any tolerance for idiocy. I’d much rather spend a wonderful, comfortable evening with good friends of either gender, sharing good food, drinks, laughs and camaraderie and go home alone, than spend an awkward, painful evening with a near-stranger that might or might not end in uncomfortable sex and a nearly negligible chance of a call back in the future.

In the process, I build a life that I love with people who are my family of choice. If by chance I happen to stumble over a friend that surprises me, who makes me think about romance and a different kind of relationship, that’s an added bonus. I’m not looking for it; I’m not averse to it. (I’m probably way too busy for it!) Either way my life is enriched by great friends and time spent being truly myself.

What’s with this relationship status stuff? And “looking for” stuff? Why do we have to be so neatly pigeonhole-able?

So, I lost my husband one year, three months and six days ago. Does that make a widow? Single? Mostly married, still, in my head?

I actually dislike the terms “single”. And “widowed”. They seem to imply a lack, a loss. (Although in my case, that is certainly true.) I prefer “on my own”, “independent”, or how about, “none of your business”.

We all need companionship, friends and loved ones to float down this great river of life with. Some are near and dear, some are casual, and some are here for a time and soon gone. There’s a time for everything, and to everything there is a season – even love we thought would last a lifetime.

I have amazing friends of both genders, here, in Anchorage, and across the country. They’ve lifted me up and kept me going, and have always been available to cheer with me and cry with me, and I have the privilege of doing the same for them.

So really, now that I think about it, when someone asks me what my relationship status is – or what I’m looking for – I think the very best answer I can give is “friend”.

He had some conditions, though. First, he had us buy more beer. Second, he got to pick his methods. And third, he wanted us wearing t-shirts. Just in case wet t-shirts accidentally became involved.

We settled in back at the Big Yellow House, and he selected his tools for the job:

• Pressure washer

• Belt sander
• File and rasp
• Dremel cutting blade
• Masking tape and compressor sprayer
• Turtle wax and dremel buffer
• Vaseline intensive care
• Styptic powder

OK, a little unconventional, but we could live with that.

First, he put down a couple of plastic sheet drop cloths in the family room while he had us select our nail polish color. I say color, because he only wanted to load the sprayer once. Cleaning the nozzle can be a pain, so we all had to go with the same color.

The pressure washer didn’t work out so well. It was hard to aim, a little painful, and it broke one of Janiece’s side table lamps. Note to self: not intended for indoor use. Boogie went downstairs to hide at this point, but the rest of us simply had another beer.

The Smart Man could have been a bit more gentle with the belt sander and rasp, but we did have styptic powder on hand. And I guess the drop cloths were a good idea, after all.

After another round of beer, we decided that we’d give each other footrubs, round robin style, and let the Smart Man watch. He liked that. I think. He was kind of buzy futzing with the paint sprayer.

Unfortunately, the sprayer lacked fine control for polish application. The Smart Man’s stereo receiver and home theatre system will never be the same, it’s now covered with a fine coat of grape-colored purple lacquer. Still, he did a nice job of masking our toes (where the tape gripped and we weren’t bleeding) and the paint job looked fabulous.

One final drink, and we tackled the cleanup job. I think we’ll need to replace the paint sprayer, and I hope Janiece can get the spots of blood off her ceiling. (Anne should be just fine, we applied direct pressure.)

Next time, I think we’ll go to the nail salon. We like the massage chairs.

Note: None of this actually happened. At least I think it didn’t. But I do have a fresh pedicure.

Boogie, Janiece and the perennially cheerful (and anonymous) Smart Man.

I took some time off for fun on Thursday and Friday, and much fun was had by everyone. The Incomparable Anne^TM and the Organized Stacey^TM joined us for massages, shopping and pedicures, and Stacey’s husband JR jumped on board for dinner at local Asian restaurant Junz.

Stacey and Janiece. This was taken at dinner, after a Lemon Drop or two.

Anne, Jeri & JR (Stacey’s husband). Terry and JR were highly entertained by our company.

Jeri, Anne and Janiece at PF Changs, where we ate lunch in honor of our friend John.

To give beyond reason, to care beyond hope, to love without limit; to reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. These are the hallmarks of divinity. ~ Notes from the Universe

I consider myself to be richly blessed, in both a spiritual and material sense. I have amazing family and friends, who shine more love into my life than I could ever imagine. I am financially comfortable, with a lovely home, reliable cars, health care, and a challenging, interesting, relatively secure career. I am healthy and happy, with a strong body and immune system and spiritual and emotional resilience.

In some ways, my life can be defined by the great losses, the hard things I have faced. And I am realistic; my ‘hard things’ are nothing compared to those of those who truly overcome in this world — those who have survived abuse and still shine, those who have conquered cancer, those who have come through disaster with only the shirt on their back and rebuilt.

Still, I have flailed in a painful, horrible marriage years past all wisdom, until calling it quits. I have parented a mentally ill child, with prayers and tears and 3am self-flagellation. And I’ve lost a beloved husband, the man I thought I’d spend the next forty years growing old beside.

The heartbreak that accompanied each fresh, raw challenge has helped define who I am and helped me discover, serendipitously, how very much I love the people I share this life with.

More importantly, those events have reinforced my closely held belief that, in our short span on this earth, our mission is to love fully and give freely.

I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat. I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink. I was a stranger, and you welcomed me. Matthew 25:35

To those whom much is given, much is expected. If I see a need I can meet, then God has put it in front of me for a reason; it is my choice and my purpose to give, anonymously, quietly and generously. If I encounter someone who needs shelter, food, help, then if I can in any way, I am privileged to be able to provide hospitality, comfort and support.

Yet even if I am being poured out like an offering as part of the sacrifice and service I offer for your faith, I rejoice, and I share my joy with all of you. Phillipians 2:17

And on the spiritual plane, the same principle applies. If a friend, a colleague or a stranger needs support – a hand, a shoulder – I am happy to help. At every juncture in my life, I’ve been cared for by loving friends and family, whose encouragement and kind words have illuminated my way. If I can pass on a fraction of that light to those who cross my path, it is an honor.

Losing a husband, a life’s partner, reinforced how precious life and love are. Love those you have while you can, wholly and fully, without fear or reservation. Express your love actively, because none of us is promised tomorrow.

When I lost my father unexpectedly, ten years ago, I had the unusual opportunity to talk to him just a couple of hours before he died and tell him I loved him. I cherish that last conversation.

And when I lost my husband this March, I kissed and hugged him goodbye and told him I loved him that morning, as I did every morning. I will forever be grateful for that last kiss, and for that daily expression of love.

“To give beyond reason, to care beyond hope, to love without limit…” I believe we all have a purpose in life. To give and love freely – materially, spiritually, to family, friends and strangers alike – is mine.
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This I Believe is an international project engaging people in writing and sharing essays describing the core values that guide their daily lives.

Hot Chick^TM Janiece suggested participation in it; here is her contribution:
This I Believe 2010 – Janiece

The Incomparable Anne^TM also wrote candidly here:
This I Believe 2010 – Anne