Five Men in your Life
I am a fan of the hilarious Sweet Potato Queens and aspire to their philosophy of living life like royalty every day.
One interesting piece of advice that author Jill Conner Brown offers is that every woman should have five men in her life at all times. They can sometimes be partially combined into fewer men with more skills, but she believes you’ll never find them all in the same man. Here’s her list:
A man who will take you dancing.
Apparently the Sweet Potato Queens like to go dancing. A lot. And from their stories, it seems that male dancing partners are optional, they’ll dance alone, with each other, or with the guys if the music is good. I admire their zest for life.
Personally, I don’t need this guy. I’m not at all a dancer or club-hopper. I wouldn’t be averse to an occasional slow dance or even a basic ballroom class, but in general I don’t need a dancing buddy.
I could use a fishing buddy, a travel partner, a road trip friend and a movie companion, though my boys fill most of those roles admirably now, while theyr’e still at home.
A man to talk with.
Not only does she recommend a man to talk with, but this man must be unflinchingly supportive and always agreeable. Listening skills are essential; talking skills not so much.
I’m not sure why this particular one needs to be a man, because women are far better companions in verbal analysis. I do have a couple of men friends who are great at this too, but it’s usually not a native skill. Also, if you need someone with great listening skills who will unfailingly agree with you, a dog is lower maintenance than a man. (Murphy even tilts his head at me when I talk to him, as if to say “Tell me more!”)
A man who can fix things.
She likes men who can fix plumbing, cars, carpentry, etc., and feels that having one or more of these in her life is pretty essential.
I’m personally a fan of being able to fix things myself. The ability to do so, learned from my oh-so-capable mother, is a point of pride for me. My youngest son also inherited a fabulous fix-it sense and regularly assembles Ikea furniture blindfolded, without instructions, and with one hand tied behind his back.
Also, fix-it capabilities can be hired from the yellow pages or Craigslist. I’d actually prefer a man who helped with housework and yardwork. (I had one of those, Bryan was a total gem.)
A man who will take care of you.
Apparently a man who will pay for things, who has sugar daddy tendencies and likes to spoil a woman, is high on the author’s list.
Bluntly, the hell with that! I can take care of myself just fine, enjoy providing my own security and prefer my independence, whether I’m married or not. The myth of the knight in shining armor is highly overrated.
I’m not averse to a dinner out, random flowers or shiny gifts, but I can provide those for myself. My awesome UCF friends keep me pretty happy on the flowers and random cheerful stuff front.
A man to sleep with.
Self explanatory.
I’d argue that this can be found on Craigslist or in a specialty electronics store as well. 
Seriously, though, what women need is someone who makes them feel adored, respected, beautiful & special, whether in a platonic relationship or a passionate one. Friends and a healthy dose of self respect can provide most of that – and, well, the rest is private.
So, of the “Five Men” that are recommended, I don’t need any of ‘em. And yet, I like men a lot! I adored my husband, I think my sons are made of awesome, I have several wonderful male friends and I enjoy working in a male-dominated industry.
I’ve actually been thinking about this subject a bit lately – what I miss about being married, about having a partner and best friend in the home, and rereading the Sweet Potato Queens gave me a great sense of perspective.
What men – or women – do you need in your life? Or more importantly, what do you want? Please keep it to PG-13 or better.
May 18th, 2009
I’m kind of with you. While I love my SmartMan, many of my needs are met by my friends, family, myself and the Yellow Pages.
The fact that we’re together because we want to be (as opposed to because we need to be) is, I think, a secret to our success.
May 18th, 2009
This is pretty easy for me. What I want for women in my life is pretty much what I want for friends. Which is probably all for the best, since I have more friends who are women than I do who are men.
Women who can be there when I need them, but isn’t afraid to let me know when I’m screwing up royally, because I need that. And isn’t afraid to let me know when they need me.
Women who are smart and funny and independent. Because I like to talk about things beyond celebrities, local gossip, and crap like that. And everyone has a right to be down and gloomy, but please, not all the time. And I have a life, and that’s not always going to involve you, as yours shouldn’t always involve me. Identical skills, circle of friends and interests are boring, although some overlap is necessary.
Women who aren’t perfect, but are decent human beings. Because I’m damn sure not. But “if you don’t know why I’m not going to tell you” is not and acceptable way to tell me I’ve screwed up. I do screw up, and if I’ve done something stupid, or hurt your feelings, or forgotten something important, tell me. I’m not a mind reader, and when someone explains how I’ve been a dick I’m much more likely to apologize and work hard not to do whatever it was I did again.
Women who will surprise me. A card or flowers or treat I wasn’t expecting (yes, I like flowers – no smart ass comments or I’ll hit you with my purse).
As for a partner, I like the line from Juno when her dad is talking to her towards the end of the movie and Juno tells her dad “I just need to know that it’s possible, that two people can stay happy together forever.’:
“Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”
May 18th, 2009
Jeesh, who the heck would want five men? Think of all the training!
Although I would love a man to go dancing with. I love to dance and there’s little hotter than a man who can really dance.
Unfortunately, it’s really difficult to find straight men who can dance.
May 18th, 2009
Janiece, amen to that! The same applied to Bryan and I, and I’m grateful for it.
Vince, the “if you don’t know why I’m not going to tell you” mind game is toxic from either gender! I loved that scene from Juno, thanks for the smile. And – you are one of the men in my life.
Michelle, the training could be… fun. If handled appropriately. Hee! And dancing – watching my very rhythmless sons dance is super funny. The oldest is a DDR aficionado and it’s scary. Someday when I need blackmail money from him I have a 60 sec video clip of him doing DDR at an arcade.
May 18th, 2009
After reading Tania’s rant on a similar subject elsewhere, I have to add: I am allergic to the concept of the Harlequin romance, the “first comes love, then comes marriage” fiction that our young women get force-fed by books, tv, movies and ads.
I posted a big old post about it elsewhere on this blog – ouch, two years ago. LOL
May 18th, 2009
Jeri,
I totally agree with you I have always been a here hold my pumps and I will do it myself kind of guy!!!
As for 5 guys. Ok the one I have and love to pieces, I most of the time can’t stand dinner roulette with one let alone five!!! We have all played the dinner roulette game. Goes something like.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Mike: I don’t care you choose.
Me: Ok Mexican
Mike: I don’t want Mexican
Me: OK Chinese!
Mike: I don’t want Chinese
Me: Ok a salad
Mike: I don’t want salad.
Me: OK I give up, what do you want for dinner?
Mike: I said I don’t care!!!
Usually at that point I give up and say when you figure it out let me know.
Hugs
Gene
May 18th, 2009
Gene, that happens in my household too. Hee! So, what we need is a psychic male chef.
May 19th, 2009
Jeri, When you find one of those please let me know where so I can get one. I have looked high and low but have not been able to locate one!!
May 20th, 2009
When you have a chef (who happens to be male or not), you end up not needing the psychic part because whatever they make sounds fabulous!
My BIL: What do you want for dinner?
My sister: Whatever you like, honey, I don’t care.
My BIL: I’ve been wanting to try that recipe for the Chicken Tortilla Soup for the slow-cooker. I think I’ll even make my own tortilla strips.
My sister: Mmmm! That sounds good!
My brother-in-law is a very good cook and househusband and makes THE BEST herb encrusted ribs slow cooked on the grill… OK, drooling now.
“Seriously, though, what women need is someone who makes them feel adored, respected, beautiful & special, whether in a platonic relationship or a passionate one.”
It is critical that the woman in question believes this herself. Not believing it is part of what held me back for a long while. I’m much much better now, thank you. Please don’t try to beat it in to me.
May 21st, 2009
Heh, funny that you ask that right now, as I’ve had a longtime friend confess that she might be in love with me recently. Says she finds me fascinating. (Yes, she knows about various situations, and the whole thing is actually a lot more complex than it sounds.) It’s given me reason to ponder what I’d actually be looking for in a relationship – and at the moment, I’m not sure I know anymore.
May 24th, 2009
Anne – you are wise, very wise. I think those beliefs hold a lot of us back. One of my favorite quotes is by Marianne Williamson:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
MWT – I’m so very happy for you, whether it works out or not, it’s always gratifying to be loved and accepted for who you are.