The view behind me, as I head home:

The view before me, of Bainbridge Island and the peninsula.

Plus, they serve beer and wine on the boat.

In my current foggy brain state, I thought I’d share with you things that are on my mind that I’m not going to write about because I can’t do them justice.

• The easing of trade and travel restrictions with Cuba. This restriction has always seemed ludicrous to me, and I’m glad we’re opening the door.
• The Obama’s new puppy. Breeder sourced or rescued, and will it make the breed too popular? Holy crap – in the scheme of things expected of a president, this is UTTERLY IMMATERIAL. Find some actual news to report on, people.
• My sister’s workplace (a hospital) was evacuated today for a bomb threat to the adjacent pharmacy. Apparently a druggie couldn’t get his fix and left the bomb beside instead. The bomb squad actually detonated the not-particularly-lethal bomb. I’m very glad she and her colleagues are ok.
• Taxes, which utterly suck.
• Going through a lifetime’s accumulation of stuff, which also utterly sucks and I have not even begun on it.
• Sleet (in Poulsbo) and snow (in Anchorage) in April is a really bad idea on the part of the weather gods.
• My smug sons, one of whom is coping marvelously and the other of whom is driving me nuts. (no guesses needed)
• The demise of WASL standardized testing and exit exams in Washington. (Yeah!) Which will probably be replaced with some other form of standardized testing. (Sigh.)
• The incredible, enduring value of friends in my life.

Please feel free to add, subtract or elaborate on any of these subjects.

the fog creeps in
on little cat feet
~Carl Sandburg

My biggest challenge since losing Bryan is that I seem to have also lost my cognitive capabilities. My brain seems filled with fog – thick, pea-soup fog – and I’m flailing about in there not accomplishing anything.

I’ve been blessed with a good mind – sharp, responsive, good short term memory, quick on the uptake, good at breaking down large abstract projects into concrete steps and skilled at multitasking. Certainly I’ve had a good education, and pursued professional training, but my basic mental capabilities are a genetic gift.

Suddenly, it’s gone, along with so much else. People tell me things, and minutes later, I don’t remember. I look at a big project (or a blank page), and my mind just shuts down. My quick uptake has disappeared, ideas and knowledge are just not processing.

It’s like walking around in super-thick fog. Thoughts appear and disappear quickly and seem to leave no trace, and my lack of ability to perceive clearly and track appropriately are super frustrating. My job is mentally quite challenging, the stack of personal details I need to handle is mountainous, and I still need to keep my household organized and running smoothly as well.

It’s as if I were on heavy duty tranquilizers – but I’m not. I’m taking nothing but melatonin (a natural remedy) in the evening to help me stay asleep through the night.

Speaking of sleep, I’m so tired all the time. I’m sleeping ok at night, but by late morning or mid afternoon, I just want to go back to sleep, take a nap. (Which I often do on weekends) Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a depression thing (although probably is a normal depressive side effect of grief), but I’m just drained & exhausted by mid-day.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
~Mark Twain

Not entirely true – I miss Bryan the most – but my mind is a close second.

Please be patient with me as I figure out how to slowly clear the fog.

This is for my fabulous friends and wonderful family, who have kept me on my feet these last few weeks.

Thank you.
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One of my friends commented in an email that I’d need to find my own new normal. How profound!

If you’ve ever practiced yoga, there’s a pose called the tree pose, where you stand on one leg to work on balance. I’m horrible at it, I wobble and grab all over the place and never last anywhere near 30 seconds. That’s a metaphor for my life right now. Normal seems pretty out of reach – and probably overrated anyway.

The first month or two will be filled with chaos. All the paperwork, financial and legal, is time-consuming and seems never-ending. The household tasks, cleaning up, sorting out, moving things around, is a huge job and I’m thankful for the teen boy squad. The big ticket things, selling the third car (selling the van, I’m keeping Maggie!) and the boat take time to prep for, and in this economy are not a sure thing.

Beyond that, though, what’s is my new normal, my balance point? Some thoughts:

• I plan to go into the office more often for people contact
• I’ll see my family & friends more, for the same reason
• The boys and I need some rituals and pastimes that will pull us closer together as a family
• The boys (at 17 and 20) will have to go solo during my business trips to Anchorage
• I need new routines for taking care of the house and yard, which Bryan helped tremendously with (and I’m highly allergic to grass) – I had a landscaper do my spring cleanup and am starting a biweekly housekeeper today
• I need a fresh, less-work-intensive approach to cooking and kitchen cleanup, and the boys will do their own laundry. (Hello, crumpled look!)
• I need a couple of selected external activities, structured, engaging and social, to keep my heart and mind challenged
• I need to exercise frequently to help with mood, health and getting out of the house
• I need to work out a new single income budget
• Within that budget, I would like to travel

I’m sure there’s so many more things to think about. Going to movies alone? Watching tv more or less (usually less)? Playing music more often for background noise? More obedience training for the doggies?

The new normal is going to take a while. I hope I’m able to achieve something livable and maybe even a little extraordinary.