The Truth is Out There
The truth is out.
Those constant business trips to Anchorage? A sham. I’m really an independent intelligence analyst, currently selling my wares to the Union of Collaborating Founders (UCF).
Every month I travel behind the iron curtain, the silk curtain, the gauze curtain and even the shower curtain to uncover the intelligence data secrets of the world, then I smuggle them home and enter them into the custom MuRPHY analytical software package running 24×7 on my crawlspace supercomputer.
Multiple Responsive Parametric Hemispheric Yield (MuRPHYTM) data analysis and decryption… because if it can happen, it will happen, and an informed organization is a prepared organization. Thrifty, brave, loyal, reverent, kind. All war is deception. Patent pending.
Working for a telecommunications company in IT is a great cover. I have the ability to encode and transmit large amounts of information whenever needed across our fiber optic and satellite network, and I can send encrypted messages to selected recipients via our invoices. (You didn’t think they were that hard to decipher for business reasons, did you?)
I first began working in intelligence gathering and analysis in college, when I served as a typist for the local Air Force base personnel office, sorting, filing and occasionally rejecting performance evaluations. I saw certain repeated patterns in some officers’ written evals, terms like megalomania and dissociative, and after asking about them was initiated into the organization.
(Don’t ask me about the initiation; it was painful, humiliating, and required every bit of my knowledge of Norse history, cephalopod anatomy and astrophysics to survive.)
Initially, I worked for the US Government, for the Department of Energy in gathering data related to nuclear science, international particle physics research and international cooperation and high-risk technology nonproliferation. The bureaucracy drove me crazy, literally. After assaulting my manager over excessive reporting requirements – seriously, did I have to document every airport restroom I visited? – I was hospitalized, then relieved of my position for medical reasons.
After an initial period of grief, then anger, I quickly realized that my skills were worth a great deal on the open market. While building a convincing cover in the telecom industry, I put my analysis skills to work for governmental, pan-governmental and mercenary agencies around the world. I tried to avoid working for the Axis of Evil, but that’s really a subjective perspective, isn’t it?
My career has taken me all over the Western Hemisphere, and I’ve gotten to meet fabulous colleagues in the intelligence community – like: Jim “Buttercup” Wright, who gave me a tour of his infamous interrogation facility; Anne “Mata Hari” Cutrell, who hosted me in her super-secret intelligence safe house; Second-in-Command Janiece “Doris” Murphy, who gave me encrypted wireless data to carry back to Alaska with me; and Tania “Xena” Clucas, whom I’ve conspired with in more than one state.
So, now that the UCF has been outed, what’s next? Can they continue to battle evil, promote scientific thought and debunk idiocy throughout the world, or will they be reduced to a mere social group, not unlike a book club or playgroup?
Only time will tell. My loyalty will continue as long as my paychecks do.
The history of the UCF’s public battles against evil and insanity are here (please note – this is the only initiative they’ve been outed on – there are many, many others that will forever remain a secret):
- UCF Leader Reflects on his Tenure
- UCF Member Tells of his Recruitment
- UCF Woman is not your Average Housewife, Mom, Student
- UCF Member tells of Becoming International Woman of Intrigue, Mystery
- UCF Member Shares African Recruitment Story
- Overseas UCF Operative Talks about his Mission
- UCF Member Salutes the Organization with Monty Python
- LHC Foe Uncovers the Truth about the UCF
- UCF Member Updates us on LHC Foes
- UCF may have Influenced Top 7 (Stupid) List
- UCF Member Raises Questions of Sanity; Incites Legal Threats
- Response to the UCF
- UCF Member Debunks a Crank 101
- Return of Radiation Man
- UCF Member Talks about Mixed Nuts
- UCF Outblogs the Mainstream Media
- UCF member nominates ‘Tard of the Week
January 1st, 2009
Man, how long HAVE you known Nathan?!
January 1st, 2009
Shhhhh!
January 1st, 2009
Multiple Responsive Parametric Hemispheric Yield (MuRPHYTM)
I’m so proud.
January 2nd, 2009
Ahem.
Restroom documentation is instrumental to world domination. Nobody likes doing it, but sometimes we need to keep the bigger picture in focus. Even one improperly documented restroom visit could result in catastrophe.
I will point out, however, that you may be making the common mistake of overlooking instruction 207(b) which states “Line 504(a/9 sub. 3C), ‘Amount of liquid hand soap/sanitizer,’ may be rounded to the next nearest centigram or omitted altogether (please signify with ‘N/A’ or ‘not applicable’ entry) when a restroom provides solid soap or powder.” I’ve known experienced operatives who overlooked this simple and time-saving rule. I hope this advice helps in your future reports.
Another common mistake to avoid, that may expedite your reporting: per instructions 38(b) and 106 (second revision), toilet paper (line 23(d(4))) can be reported either in metric centimeters or (believed it or not!) as sheets. Instead of measuring your toilet paper usage with a tape measure or ruler, it’s sufficient to simply enter the number of squares you used. If I recall correctly, Jeri, you’re aware of this (excellent penmanship in your reports, by the way–do you use a calligraphy pen by chance?), but other UCF members may find this a useful time-saver as well.
Hope that helps.