Sometimes I wonder if I’m not more afraid of success than failure.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m plenty afraid of failure. I’m a perfectionist par excellence, hate to make the slightest mistake, find criticism quite painful, and abhor spending time doing things I am bad at, like golf and softball.

I wonder, though, why I’m so adept at self-sabotage. I know plenty of other folks who suffer from this too, women in particular, although I don’t know how significant my anecdotal evidence is. I just happen to be close friends with more women than men.

So why is it that I start something new – say, writing short short fiction – and when I establish that it’s something I enjoy and might be able to do really well, I stop as if I’ve run into a wall?

The same applies to metalsmithing. I invest enough time and dollars on the subject to know that I love doing it, and demonstrate the ability to make some interesting and very wearable pieces, and then I just stop using my workshop.

Five or six years ago, I embarked on a highly disciplined diet and exercise program and lost about 80 lbs. (I needed to take off an additional 40 or so after that, but was still in the best health ever in the last 20 years.) And then, again, I ran into an invisible wall and made no further progress. In the years since, to my very great grief and regret, I’ve gained half of that back.

I can sure lay the excuse of time on the table. As a working wife and mom, I’m a constant multi-tasker and it’s difficult to find time to focus undivided attention on any one endeavor. I have to be really honest with myself, though – that’s not it! Exercise, discipline, creative projects can be fit in… we all spend our time and energy, like our money, where our priorities are. Or in this case, where our comfort zone is.

There’s something in me that’s at complete odds with my desire to excel, be extraordinary, accomplish tangible things. It’s as if I hold a flawed schema that tells myself I can’t possibly deserve success, so I need to stop now before a) I disappoint myself in a big way, and b) the world finds out how flawed I really am.

And so, I muddle along in mediocrity, dysfunctionally shutting myself down when I start thinking I can do anything special.

I need to figure out how to break through that wall.

Apparently, some of the Science Fiction Writers’ Association (SFWA) elected representation doesn’t understand its own media.

VP Dr. Howard Hendrix has harshly criticized those who make their writing freely available online. On April 12, he posted:

“I’m also opposed to the increasing presence in our organization of webscabs, who post their creations on the net for free. … Webscabs claim they’re just posting their books for free in an attempt to market and publicize them, but to my mind they’re undercutting those of us who aren’t giving it away for free and are trying to get publishers to pay a better wage for our hard work.”

Hogwash! The publishing (and music and film) industry is being revolutionized by the advent of nearly globally accessible electronic media, as well as a digital rights management model and economic model that can’t keep up with the pace of technological change. In the face of such significant upheaval, a fearful, change-phobic writer really should not be serving in a position of leadership in the writing community.

The biggest paradigm shift is that writers can reclaim a significant level of ownership over their own work and its distribution. They are no longer at the mercy of the publishing company for distribution, publicity and marketing. Sure, e-book or online publishing is viewed as third tier, behind secondary paperback and the gold standard of hardback publication, but that may change

In response to Hendrix’s tirade, the irrepressible Nebula nominated author Jo Clayton has declared today “International Pixel Stained Technopeasant Day.” I love it! She posts:

“In honour of Dr Hendrix, I am declaring Monday 23rd April International Pixel-Stained Technopeasant Day. On this day, everyone who wants to should give away professional quality work online. It doesn’t matter if it’s a novel, a story or a poem, it doesn’t matter if it’s already been published or if it hasn’t, the point is it should be disseminated online to celebrate our technopeasanthood.”

She’s tracking some of the participants online, which should be a fun browse as the list grows.

Technopeasants, I salute you! Someday, I hope to join you.

Today is earth day.

I happen to believe our world is a pretty special place – full of mystery, beauty, drama, danger and grace. Plus, it’s the only planet we’ve got.

I’ve been looking at all the media hoopla surrounding earth day. Develop alternative energy resources. Reduce carbon emissions. Limit the availability of government carbon emission passes to industrial polluters. Buy carbon offset passes as a consumer. Paper or plastic – except in SF, where plastic is now illegal? I’m wondering – does it really have to be so complicated as all this?

I truly don’t understand why we have to frame the issues in technobabble and macroeconomic terminology. Is it a more worthy investment of our effort to pick up a piece of litter if it’s couched in lofty concepts?

Why can’t we keep it simple? Mother Teresa said, “In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.”

How about the basics:

Pick up after yourself. And while you’re at it, pick up after others too on general principle. This is why I detest some smokers, the ones who flick their butts on the ground and walk away – do they think it’s the world’s job to pick up after them?

If you turn it on, turn it off. Lights, tv, computer, etc. If you have something that uses a trickle power source, be aware and turn it fully off if practicable. And ensure your appliances are energy efficient and not wasting a fairly precious – and expensive – resource.

Reduce, re-use, recycle. Reduce the amount of new stuff you buy – do you really need all that? (Of course, I just went to Ikea yesterday, so need to practice what I preach.) Opt for minimum waste packaging. One publication pointed out recently that the energy impact of manufacturing a new hybrid car far exceeds that of continuing to use an adequately tuned existing car for many, many years.

The whole carbon offset pass concept seems particularly hypocritical to me.

Eric Carlson, director of Carbonfund.org, says, “The ability to reduce your climate impact to zero is empowering people at a very basic level.” To date, the non-profit says it has offset 220 million pounds of carbon dioxide, the equivalent of taking 20,000 cars off the road, he said. Huh?? Those cars ARE still on the road, belching emissions, and the only thing that’s happened is consumer money has been invested in environmental projects. There is no direct impact.

It instead gives the limousine liberal a sense of pre-emptive forgivenesss. Pay, and your sins are washed clean! Al Gore, newly newsworthy poster child for fighting global warming, lives extravagantly and what some would call wastefully at home. If he buys carbon offset passes for it, does that make it ok?

I’m hoping some vendor comes up with chocolate offset passes soon. Until then, I think I’ll keep it simple – pick it up, turn it off, reduce, reuse, plant, and whatever else makes sense at the time. My simple actions don’t come with benefit of economic summit endorsement, but they’re my small things, done with love for my planet.

The one recurring issue I’m having with my new MacBook Pro is compatibility with my home wireless network. I was offline for pretty much a whole day after getting home from Anchorage until I figured out some workarounds. The whole issue is supremely annoying. By the time 2pm hit on Friday and I was still unable to get it online, I was really tempted to package the Macbook back up and take it in to the Mac store with a big bow on it. Except… I’d left my old notebook PC hardware at the Anchorage office office.

I had a Linksys WRT54GS, with firmware updated to v5. Apparently it is notably not very Macbook compatible per discussion on the Apple boards and elsewhere. I could only get it to work at all with all security turned off, a static IP set within Airport settings on the Mac side. I still had all sorts of net access glitchiness – IM only works occasionally, I can’t IM and VPN at the same time, about a third of web pages in a search result won’t load, and general slow surfing.

Most Mac reference resources suggest using Airport base stations, but my family is still predominantly PC – we have a notebook, a desktop and a network printer as well – and I’d rather stay on the Windows standard side of the fence. I’m afraid the pain I’m feeling now, tweaking one machine to be compatible, could be magnified x3 setting systems up to adapt the other direction.

Today I actually picked up the latest and greatest wireless router hardware, one that is supposedly much more compatible with the Macbook Pro. It’s a DLink Extreme N Dir-655, which will enable me to take advantage of my Airport Express adapter’s faster N speed.

I did make a little progress in the right direction, but I’m still having problems. After immediate configuration, I was readily able to use the DLink using DHCP – one minor victory. And whoa baby is it fast!

I still can’t turn on any sort of encrypted security, though, and working in the IT industry that’s really critical to me. The minute I enable any of the flavors of WPA or WEP, I get the same error: “There was an error joining Airport network XXXXXX.” I was able to quasi lock it down by enabling MAC address filtering and turning wireless network name broadcast off, making it a closed network – but I still need to find a solution for turning on encryption.

Why is this so difficult? Aren’t Macs supposed to be easy to use, plug-n-play, no tech troubleshooting under the hood required? I have probably spent 16 intensely frustrating hours on this issue in the last week.

Argh!

The Law of Attraction is currently getting a great deal of exposure, following last year’s much-hyped movie production, “The Secret”.

I’ve not been shy about saying that I am not a proponent of the philosophy.

In a nutshell, it suggests that one should dwell on the positive, as the metaphysical principle of life is embodied in a “law of attraction”. You get what you think about; your thoughts determine your destiny. It further emphasizes that emotions can increase or decrease the speed of attraction relative to how much you feel about the subject you are attempting to attract.

A related ideology, grounded in religious belief, is the fairly controversial prosperity doctrine. It’s the belief that God wants Christians to be successful in every way, with financial success a mark of God’s favor, as well as evidence of great faith and merit.

Anthony Robinson, in a profound recent Seattle PI guest column, addressed this issue. He called it a “theology of entitlement”.

What incredible impudence we have, coming up with belief systems that place ourselves at the center of the universe and ask, “What are you, God, going to do for me today?”

Why in the world – in the universe – do we constrain and reduce the ultimate creative force, whether we call him or her God, Buddha, Allah, Ganesh, or some other name for a higher power, to a mere shopping cart in the sky?

In my worldview, we are created to serve the universe, not be served by it. Our contribution to the world should be one of creativity, not consumption.

I remember, in my college youth group, being taught that God’s goal for us was faith and character. He’s not always going to give us the shiny car, pretty house and perfect job. Those things are unimportant. Instead, He may let us experience heart-wrenching pain, face down in a lake of tears, and stand by our side while we painfully get it together and stumble forward, one step at a time.

Mother Teresa, one of the most influential heroes of the 20th century, underlined this when she said, “I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness.”

I have always wondered if prayer shouldn’t be more about listening, learning, meditating and adjusting my will to that of the Divine, and a whole lot less about my own wants and wishes. I like Ann Lamott’s perspective on prayer – her favorite and most-repeated two are “Help me, help me, help me” and “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

I subscribe to the Hindu concept of karma. It’s defined as the sum of all that an individual has done, is currently doing and will do. The effects of all deeds actively create past, present and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one’s own life, and the pain and joy it brings to others. Throughout this process, some see God as playing a role, for example, as the dispenser of the fruits of karma.

It’s very similar to the Christian concept of “A man reaps what he sows.”

Nowhere in the concepts of service mindset, praying for faith, or reaping what you sow does the Law of Attraction really make sense, or even seem to inhabit the same philosophical planet as my beliefs.