Merriam-Webster defines self-confidence as “confidence in oneself and in one’s powers and abilities”.

I’ve never considered myself to lack confidence! I’ve always been pretty certain that I can handle what life throws at me and still land on my feet. (Please, God, that’s not a challenge, just an introductory thought.)

This sounds arrogant, but it’s really not. I’ve spent time face down in the floor in tears of despair. I’ve lost a job. I’ve lost lots of weight and gained most of it back. I’ve failed at marriage. My heart has broken over my children. Somehow, I find the grace to go on, put one foot in front of the other, and keep climbing the mountain. Eventually I learn. And get it right. Or at least… closer to right. God has never given me any burden that he/she hasn’t been right beside me, helping me to bear.

I’m comfortable in my professional abilities, although I certainly take on projects (and project team members) every year that require me to learn, stretch and grow.

I’m excited about my jewelry design work, and the endless possibilities there. I certainly do not have all the skills and knowledge I need, but I’m confident that over time that I have the ability to build more. As I learn, I can make the designs dancing in the back of my head into tangible reality.

I am confident in my ability to write. Business and technical material. And even some non-fiction. Shoot, I spent four years in college majoring in technical communications, and then a first job as a technical writer. (Ugh.) While I didn’t much enjoy working in that field, it was an excellent boot camp and foundation skill for all the business writing I do on a daily basis.

I’ve long had a secret dream to write fiction. And, gee, now it’s not a secret any more! Recently, I have realized that I am completely handicapped by an uncharacteristic lack of confidence in my abilities in that arena.

I have a really deplorable tendency to spend most of my effort in areas that I excel, or catch on quickly – and to quickly move away from activities that take significant work and practice to develop skill. I joke that it’s not fun to spend time on things that I suck at, like softball or golf. Looking in the mirror and being completely honest with myself, how else am I going to move past being embarrassingly bad and into passable skill and even excellence without sticking with it?

Returning to the concept of writing fiction, I’ve tried to write a few short stories over the years. And I’ve read some books on plotting, scene setting, and characterization, and started and gotten lost in that process. I have a pretty vocal internal editor perched on my shoulder, and I’ve quickly given up on what I’ve tried. It has sucked, in my own humble opinion.

Over the last couple of days, I’ve been playing around in the new Ficlets writing haven, and it’s really opened my eyes. Maybe I’m not irredeemably rotten at fiction – but instead, either setting the bar too high, or giving up too soon. Or both. 1024 characters is a goal I can achieve with passable skill, and have a heck of a lot of fun with!

So life teaches me another lesson, about persistence rather than the lazy path, and what self-confidence should really mean. I need to keep working at it, over and over again, and try to get it a little closer to right.